Horoscopes for Spring Quarter (2016)

Spring break is winding to a close, and you know what that means!    Another fun filled quarter is just around the corner.   The time has come to put on the sunglasses, show up to class (hopefully not to hung over from the break… I’m not just speaking to the students), and start the process of learning anew.

For now:   here are your horoscopes for the next 12 weeks.

Aries (March 21 – April 20) 

I know you like to live in the moment, Aries.   You are someone who lives for now, which is nice… but the skeletons in your closet are starting to collaborate with each other, so it looks like it is time for some Spring cleaning.     Look at the promises you make, versus the promises you keep.     Do you think that maybe “Living in the now” may just be a way of avoiding those pesky obligations?

This term, keep up with your homework or suffer.

Taurus  (April 21 – May 21)

Springtime is the right time.   Love?  Check.  School goals?  Check.   Family?  Check.   Time to wait?   Nope.

Opportunities that come your way now may not come back, so keep alert.   Also, “perfect” opportunities are an evil lie sold by Wall Street… so take the risk (and the work) that goes with the reward.

Also,  a Libra is hatching a plot against you.   It’s kind of flattering, really.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

You know that feeling that you’ve missed something?   You are going to have that.   So check to see if there was another class on your schedule that you didn’t attend, or that you are ready for your exams, or that you are wearing pants.

Don’t look into the browser history of any Aquariuses.   There are some things you just can’t unsee.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Cancer, I appreciate that you are taking the time to read this, but you just don’t have the time.

Run.   Run like your life depends on it.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

“Love without pain is like food without flavor” is something that you may or may not agree with, Leo.  But I can tell you this, you will need some variety in your life.  You are passionate about what you love, just keep doing a couple different things for contrast!    It is helpful to embrace some changes to keep things fresh for you.   This keeps those passions as a slow burn, instead of just a flash in the pan.

A Virgo is going to pelt you mercilessly with mixed metaphors.   Be ready.

Virgo (August 23 – September 23)

I know that Virgos are notorious for planning things to death.    There are two things to keep in mind with this:   you can plan things to death (thus sucking any spontaneity out of your life), and you can still be blindsided by events.

There aren’t enough contingencies in the world to account for your life this Spring.   Buckle up, buttercup, because this is going to be fun.   If you let it.

Avoid Aries holding syringes asking you to trust them.

Libra (September 24-October 23)

You know the saying that “God never gives you more than you can handle?”   As a working hypothesis, it is disproven by the number of suicides every day.   So here is the thing to consider:  you don’t have to handle things alone.   Also, it is fine to acknowledge that you aren’t good at everything, Libra.   I know that isn’t easy to admit, but it could save your life.

Seek out a Capricorn for some advice.   And some really, really good sex.   Seriously.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)

Your life this term is going to feel like you’re living in a fairy tale.   Not the Disney fairy tale.   There are going to be ideas that will abduct your consciousness, and run you through a thousand years of life… and you will discover that only a week has passed.   Your transformations will be profound, but only in how you perceive the world.

Also, avoid fairies.   They’ll eat you and wear your skin for boots.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)

I know you had planned on taking it easier this quarter, Sagittarius, but the world has other ideas for you.   While your workload is going to be doable,  a lot of your education is going to happen outside of school.   You are going to learn some valuable lessons, if not always comfortable ones.

Also, don’t hide bodies in your trunk.   The police will look there.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Does life feel like a tango to you Capricorn?   Intense, then twisting away from you at the last moment?    It isn’t always about the forward progression, so don’t concern yourself with the number of steps forward and the steps back you have taken.   The joy is in the chase, the tension of push and pull, and in the passion of the moment.    Don’t worry about the grades, just shut up and dance.

Also,  a Virgo will probably make an astonishing offer to you.   Do you dare?

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)

You are done.   I know that you feel like you have more to do, but the rest is just busy work.

Play is where you are going to shine.   Have fun, expand your horizons, and whatever you do don’t get caught.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

I know you consider yourself fairly worldly.   On the other hand, you haven’t had a quarter like this one.

So, if you find that you suddenly dreaming that you have been abducted by aliens, they were all cats, and they chased you because they thought you were a spider… don’t discount it as just a dream.   This quarter you may so much time in the realm of the bizarre that you may want to get a reality boost from some grounded friends.

Also,  avoid a Taurus with an axe.

 

Enjoy your quarter.  Stay sane-ish.

Horoscopes, Fall 2015

Another school term is about to start, so it is time for school horoscopes!    Here are your predictions for the upcoming term…   I’m including both students and teachers in one single, consolidated, and improved horoscope!

And for those who tell me that there are 13 signs now:    Thbpbphphhphphpth!

Astro-Signs

Aries (March 21 – April 20) 

As cool as you are, they are onto you.   Everyone knows that you’ve been faking it.    Doubling down isn’t likely to get you far, so you’ll need to get your act together before you decide to present your case.   Yes, you are going to need to work like crazy.

You will meet a smiling Scorpio this term.   You could run, but it will be more interesting if they catch you.

Taurus  (April 21 – May 21)

There are a few things for you to consider in your life this quarter, Taurus.   Little changes can make big differences.  So do wrecking balls.    You should probably decide which tool you want to use this term, but you should be deliberate in your choices.     Stasis is not an option.

Money is important, but it is also important to not be mauled by bears.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

You know, there isn’t really anything for you to do except to sit back an enjoy the ride.   Take pleasure in your classes, you are going to have a few characters who will try to brighten up your term.   They will do this whether you like it or not.   Heavy drinking may seem like a good plan, but the hangovers will seriously be a problem if you try.

Avoid an angry Virgo wielding an axe.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

You will be plagued by the feeling that you have forgotten something important this term.   Like a class, paying your internet bill, or wearing pants to class.   I won’t say you’re wrong… but it may be a good idea to keep checking.      If you have a roommate, it is okay for you to investigate the mysterious smell coming from the fridge but it is not okay to investigate mysterious thumping sounds in their car trunk.

Consider getting a new roommate.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

I know it may feel like your life is exploding this term.     Your life is actually going quite well all things considered.   There are far more compromising positions that you could be in… so don’t get caught moving the bodies.   I’m not saying don’t move them, I’m saying:  DON’T.  GET.   CAUGHT.

Consider making a new friend.   Gemini’s are good.   Or if you would prefer an enemy,  an Aquarius will be a solid choice.

Virgo (August 23 – September 23)

This will be a good term for you Virgo.   Your classes will go fairly well, but the real magic takes place outside of classes.    If you thought that things have been going well before this, buckle up.   Things are going to get fantastic.   Don’t go crazy, because this high will eventually plateau.   How much work you put in will determine whether the “plateau” can become your new baseline.

If you see a madman in a blue box, run.

Libra (September 24-October 23)

It’s party time!    Work is good, but painting the town red is VERY good.   Some adventures come along once in a lifetime, so go out and take some chances.   Also, the morning after you should be prepared to deal with the consequences.    Use protection.

Avoid drinking with other Librae, as they will only harsh your mellow.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)

How do I say this?   Watch the Muppets.   Carefully.   It won’t be obvious, but it will become very important to you quickly.    Hide your new obsession from others, they won’t understand.   While I know you want the wisdom that Kermit offers, I think that Animal or Gonzo may be your true spirit animal.

If you want to beat things,  hang out with chickens, or eat bacon will be very telling in your internal debate.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)

You are going to be a person of good deeds, intentionally or not this term.   You can’t hide from it, so help someone out.   You won’t get the appreciation that you are looking for, but you shouldn’t really be doing it for those sorts of rewards.   Also, consider seducing someone.   Keep considering.    Now consider something edgy for you.     Put those things together, and you may get either very thoroughly laid, or very thoroughly slapped.

The danger of running with scissors is real, but very overstated.   Use your own judgement.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You are a person of science.   While other people are stuck with their head up their Chakra you should be out looking at evidence and making plans based off of logic and reason.   So do your research, break out your slide rule and get cracking.

Arson may seem like a good idea, but it is really hard to disguise that smoke smell from investigators.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)

Do you think you are prepared?   It may seem like it now, but this term is going to be a lesson in humility for you.   The world isn’t going to fall into neat and easy events for you to categorize and deal with… you are going to have things happening that will take innovation, street smarts, and sweat.   Now is a good time to stock up on duct tape and KY.

Clear your browser history if you live with a Taurus.  Or share your links with an Aries.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

This term is going to feel upside down and backwards for you, Pisces.    You are going to start out feeling like you know things, but have very little energy to deal with things.   As the term wears on, you are going to find that you become less and less certain about your answers, but you are going to get more and more energized.   This is EXACTLY what you needed.

Something random is going to happen to you involving a duck.   Don’t be ashamed, hold your head up high.

Student Horoscopes, Winter 2015

Winter is coming!   Winter term that is.

So pick up your #2 pencils and a fresh case of RedBull, because it is going to be a fun one.

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

I know you had some ideas about what you would be learning this term, Aries.   As much as you may have grown already, this term is going to be about getting what you need rather than what you want.

I know that you may want to complain about that this term.   Okay.   You are welcome to do so.   But whining won’t actually help you.   You are going to need to choose to learn.   So suck it up, and do the work.

Taurus  (April 21 – May 21)

So there is good news and bad news:   the good news, this term you have a chance to learn some amazing lessons.   You can get not just basic skills, you can get the insights on how to use them.   The bad news:   this won’t come cheap or easy.   You are going to pay in both money and time.

Once in a lifetime opportunities come only once. Don’t miss out.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

It is said that there comes a point where you stop trying to be who you want to be, and start being who you are.   This is only partially true:   you should still try to be who you want to be, because it is part of who you are.   Your aspirations are part of you, and they give you the chance to be more than what you are now.   So shake up your routine, and be the better version of yourself.

Also:   you should avoid getting recruited into a cult by a Pisces or Aquarius.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

You are going to learn some really important lessons this upcoming term.   Your relationship will be intense, consuming, and possibly fueled by cheap booze.     While learning your Kama Sutra is fun, the real lesson comes when things start to go wrong.   You can learn humility the easy way by listening, or the hard way by pain.

The problem is your ego.   This isn’t about you.   Tough shit..

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Your moon is in Virgo, and Saturn will be hanging out in Gemini. So whenever Mercury goes retrograde, drop everything and buy lottery tickets.   This will be an investment in your future, because the more you buy and the more you tell people about it, the more likely you will be picked up by the gentlemen in the nice white coats and taken to an institution with padded rooms.     They have Jello and Oxycontin.

 Avoid being shanked by Scorpios.

Virgo (August 23 – September 23)

Here are a few things you should consider:   most murders are committed by people known to the victim.   “Stranger Danger” is almost fiction (less than 5% of abductions), as most child abductions and abuse are done by someone known to the child. People get bitten more often by their own pets than by strange animals.

This is a good analogy for your term: don’t be afraid of the unusual, but take care of the familiar topics.   “Easy classes” have some pitfalls that you may have overlooked.

Libra (September 24-October 23)

I know you have every intention to focus entirely on your classes this term.   I will say this is a good plan as far as it goes, except that the rest of your life won’t be quiet.   You have family and friends, relationships and obligations, work and money issues.     Your life can’t be compartmentalized easily, so plan some time to take care of yourself too.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)

The fact is that your stars and planets don’t really impact your life.   Your text books have a greater gravitational pull on you than they do.   The choices that you make are what truly impact the events of your life and your future.   It isn’t comforting, but know that the circumstances beyond your control are neither benign nor malicious, the world simply doesn’t care.

 So keep working, and don’t drink the metaphorical Kool-Aid.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)

You know the old story about the caterpillar that is asked how it is able to coordinate all of it’s legs when it walks, and then loses its ability to walk from over-analysis.     You may feel like this happens to you… but you are considerably smarter than a caterpillar. It won’t necessarily be comfortable, but a little self-reflection may be helpful to you.

 Also, see if you can figure out how other people apply similar skills to yours.   They may not do it better, but having alternatives can be helpful.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

There are times for you to shine, and those times will be when you are awake.   I’m not just referring to when you aren’t in bed, I’m talking about the times when you aren’t acting purely out of habit.   Try not to multi-task, you will only lose track of what is really important.

 Also:   Keep your head and arms inside the vehicle at all times.   It’s all fun and games until someone gets decapitated.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)

 It is true that too much of a good thing isn’t good for you.   Ask anyone who has gotten vitamin A poisoning (scary, they turn orange… too much and you can die).   Interestingly, the same goes for too little of a bad thing.   Take some risks, earn a few scars and learn a few life lessons.

 Avoiding danger simply for the sake of avoiding danger isn’t wisdom, it’s cowardice.   Learning from mistakes is wisdom.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

I know you value honesty in your life, but I will say that a little creative editing of events can make all of the difference for you this term. If you are truly honest with yourself, then you’ll recognize how much you edit events for your own narrative anyway.   Embrace it.

As much as you want to be liked, holding out for universal approval seems both unlikely and quite frankly boring.   Creative excuses aside, be prepared to take the consequences if your white lies are found out.

So remember, use your powers however the hell you want.   They are your powers.

As for classes:   bring them on.

Teaching Horoscopes, Winter 2015

Alphone Mucha - Zodiac 1896

The holidays are upon us!   It behooves us to remember when we are surrounded by the festivities, the shopping, the eating, and catching up post-final sleep there is a new term just around the corner.      There are a few blissful weeks in which we can plan for the new term.

So teachers:   here are your horoscopes for the next term

Aries (March 21 – April 20) 

This upcoming term is going to be educational for both your students and you.   There are astrological warnings about Mercury and Saturn in your sign.   Which I think means that you should watch out for American cars backing over you in the school parking lot.

At some point your class will be disrupted by a group of students addicted to MMOGs.   So a pretty typical class, really.

Taurus  (April 21 – May 21)

You are an excellent listener.   Which is good, because you can hear some of the most amazing rumors this term if you keep your ears open.   Students tend to be undisciplined about their speech, which will be good for a laugh later on.    Try not to gossip, but instead consider blackmailing others for fun and profit.

Watch out for falling rocks.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

You may have a love/hate relationship with your students this term.  You will see the best and the worst.   There won’t really be much middle ground:   you will have students who do everything you ask, and all of the additional work.   They will ask intelligent questions, and work hard.   Then there are the other ones:   when they show up, it will be hard to keep from grinding your teeth.

The good news is that you can level the playing field by assigning some of the good students to work with the bad ones.   You’ll hear about it, but it will keep you sane.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

This is going to be a good term to go back to the basics.   Students will supply their own imagination later.  Reenforcing the fundamentals now will pay off later when your students actually pass.    It isn’t pretty, it isn’t exciting, but you can prevent disasters from happening later.

Also, you should stay away from Virgos and Aries with Ebola.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

I know that you are generally busy, Leo, but this term will be crazy.   A lot of good things happen from all of your hard work, and at the very end, you will get a full nights sleep.   By the time you get there, you may just be a bundle of nerves.   Just remember,  you do get some time out for yourself to eat and sleep.     You can do it, just don’t forget your anniversary.

Stay strong, Leo.    For some reason I see your moon in Taurus.   I think that means to rely on Red Bull.

Virgo (August 23 – September 23)

Burn, baby, burn.   School will take a backseat to love for you this term.   Not to say that you will give short measure to your students, but I will say that your students may enjoy better scores if you find yourself grading post-coitus.   This is a side we don’t get to see very often, Virgo.   Run with it.

Don’t get so distracted that you lose track of the important things.   Like paying your mortgage.   Or pants.

Libra (September 24-October 23)

The stars have aligned for you Libra!   Which is to say, that entirely random events light years from your current location are sprinkling light on your head.   What does this mean for you?   Absolutely nothing.   The gravitational pull of your car has a greater impact on your life than does your stars.

Hard work and dedication mean so much more than the layout of your stars.     So teach it like you mean it.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)

Due to lack of interest this term, Scorpio, your horoscope has been cancelled.     I think you can do better without it, anyway.    It only goes wrong when you try to do what other people tell you to do.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)

You have worked long and hard to make some of your assignments foolproof.     There is good news and bad news.   The good news is that you get a chance to improve upon your already impressive work.   The bad news, they invented a better fool.

This is a good metaphor for your term.   So remember, it isn’t just a place for your students to learn and grow, it is for you too.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

This next term will feel a lot like the last term, Libra.   This is because you end up with the same students going through your classes a second time.   There are some opportunities here:   you can help them get the skills they missed the first time.   Just keep their mediocrity from passing onto others.

Administrators will also be annoying.   So, it will feel a lot like last term.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)

 Thank you for playing nice, Aquarius.   We know that you don’t really believe in horoscopes, so this was quite a nice gesture to read this.    Instead of vague predictions of doom or glory, how about I offer you a piece of good teaching advice instead:    take care of yourself.   Nobody else has your interests at heart as much as you do.

Also:  never cook bacon naked.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

The funny thing about going down a rabbit-hole of crazy is that you don’t realize that you are doing it.   One step leads seamlessly and logically to another, which leads to another.   Everything seems logical when you are in the middle of it.  Before long, you find yourself doing things you never would have believed possible.   In retrospect, it looks crazy.

So while there is a great deal to be said for going with the flow, there is something to be said for sticking up for some structure.

Also:    avoid angry Leo’s armed with axes.

So, teachers, those were your carefully crafted horoscopes.

Next up:   student horoscopes.

Teaching Horoscope

There is something funny about a “Summer Break”.   Often times, I find myself just as solidly booked as during the school term  as I try to catch up with friends and family.   And there is also the added fun of unpaid overtime as we get to prep our courses for the next quarter.   In any case, we’re back.

Now, for a completely random segment let us have your teaching horoscope!

 Aries (March 21 – April 20)

You are plagued by a feeling that you are missing something, like you were supposed to be in class for the entire term, but somehow you didn’t put it on your schedule.      I’m not saying that feeling is true or not, but I think you will want to check.   Check again, you may have missed something.

After that, check to see if you are wearing pants.

Taurus  (April 21 – May 21)

A student is going to approach you in absolute despair about their grade.   They will be young, cute and they think that because of this they deserve a better grade.   While this desperate flirting may help boost your ego in the short-term, you will be racked with guilt later.   Instead it is better to look deep into their eyes and ask, “you’ll do anything to get a better grade?”  When they agree, tell them to study more.   Laughing hysterically is optional, but also fun.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

I know you’ve heard a lot of creative excuses, but brace yourself for a wave of really bizarre reasons for not attending.    You can expect stories of alien abduction, burrowing botfly larvae, or stalking by a murderous ex.

Interestingly enough, one of these stories will be true.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Well I’ve got good news and bad news, Cancer.    The good news is that you classes are going to go fairly smoothly.    Your student drama will be on the low side, and the administrative drama seems to be subsiding from the last few quarters.     The downside is that the rest of your life may decide to melt down.   Family matters will leave you squirming uncomfortably, and you may want to check and see if your supplemental insurance premiums are paid up.

Leo (July 23- August 22)

This is a good time to plan, not for action.   So procrastinate a bit, and start fleshing out your plans for world domination.   Or at least plan on taking over the school.    Figure out your game plan to bribe or blackmail the board of regents, simultaneous with a takeover of the teacher’s union.     Then repeat at the state, federal, and global levels.   Now is also a good time for romance.  Consider dating a Virgo:  they have a lot of passion pent-up, so it will be a little like seducing a suitcase bomb.

Virgo (August 23 – September 23)

You will start out the term filled with a sense of invincibility, which will be crushed mid-term by banal stupidity.    You have several different sources of solace.   The easiest route is simply breaking down publicly, so consider bursting into tears at random intervals.   Locking yourself in the bathroom will also garner you some extra attention.

If this strikes you as too passive, then set out a plan for vengeance instead.     Hostages may be necessary.

Libra (September 24-October 23)

Due to a lack of interest,  Libra’s horoscopes have been cancelled.   You may want to consider moving your birthday to sometime more interesting.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)

We should have warned you earlier, Scorpio, that this was coming.   During a series of endless meetings you will snap.   After having lost your grasp of reality, your own personal demons will take control of your consciousness.   On the other hand, you can play this fairly close to the chest and no one will know the difference.

Now is the time to foster a new secret identity.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)

The volume of events may get turned up to eleven during the next term, so now would be an excellent time to start writing a memoir.     Or you may want to contact Jerry Springer to try and score some extra cash off of the crazy quarter you have coming to you.

Heavy drinking may seem like a good option, but in the long run it will be more fun to get a substitute for a few days and take an impromptu vacation.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

I love it when a plan comes together.

Your life during the next quarter will be a swarm of odd coincidences that all seem to work in your favor.   Scheduling conflicts work themselves out without effort, troublesome students decide to transfer to another class, and HR may discover that they “accidentally” forgot to pay you for something earlier last year.   I do want you to remember two important things:   (1)  happy stress is still stress, (2)  don’t question good luck.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)

This will prove to be an interesting quarter for you.   After an academic rejection, you may decide to seek refuge in sex work.  While it may seem like a desperate move at the beginning, it actually will feel very fulfilling after a short time.   Stock up on lube and condoms.

Craigslist will make you devalue your new career choices, and you may want to come back to teaching.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

There will be opportunities available to you sometime soon, Pisces.   Most likely a friend or colleague will burst into tears randomly.   First, you can step in and help.   And now that they have proven themselves vulnerable it is also a perfect time to exploit them for your own needs and desires,  you sick pervert.

And they will be appreciative.

If you are an evil teacher, have you considered blogging?   I am looking for a few dark hearted educators to join the evil league.   Post in the comment section, and I will be in touch!

Student Horoscopes

Alphone Mucha - Zodiac 1896

Ah, Spring term is over and Summer is in the air… responsibilities seem so far away.   Now that those pesky final exams are out of the way.

Now, for a completely random segment let us have your student horoscope for next term.

Aries (March 21 – April 20) 

You are plagued by a feeling that you are missing something, like you were supposed to be in class for the entire term, but somehow you didn’t put it on your schedule.      I’m not saying that feeling is true or not, but I think you will want to check.     Check again, you may have missed something.

After that, you should read your syllabi to determine whether you missed a paper or a test.    Also check to see if you are wearing pants.

Taurus  (April 21 – May 21)

Crunch time is your time to shine.   You will find yourself reworking a project from start to finish after finding a minor error after finishing the FIRST time.   This means that you neglect your other classes for a few days, and the effect snowballs.    After working 90 hours per week for a few weeks in a row, you may start to consider a career as an exotic dancer.   Before you switch please remember that thongs can itch, especially if they are full of dollar bills.

Therefore, your mantra is:   done is better than perfect.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

You should help out a friend in need.   This help can come in many different forms.   It may be that they are in deep need of a homework intervention, so bring tequila and a study guide.   Or it may turn out that they are in desperate need for a rebound hookup, so bring condoms (avoid tequila, because that would be rape).   Or you may need to cheer up an instructor who is buried under a three foot tall stack of grading, in which case bring two bottles of tequila and an extra red pen.

For you, the worst thing about finals will be the hangover(s).

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

After pulling several all-night study sessions this week, you are feeling out of touch with reality.   You will have a very important conversation regarding your academics, but later on in your imagination you will replace the people of this with tropical fish.   Afterwards, you will dream of turning your papers in to your instructor, who is now a giant squid.

Once you are caught up on sleep, you will find that you can only recall your course material while humming “Aqua” songs.    There is no logical explanation for this.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Lets say that you are on a long vacation.   You have a plan for where you are going, and some ideas about what you would like to do.   When you get there, you make a random connection with someone which was entirely unexpected.  Nothing was according to plan, but it was perfect anyway.   You fall in love, then have your heart broken a week later when you have to leave.   Years later, you still pine for that lost person, even after you have a caring and stable relationship with another person.

This is a perfect analogy for school this term, Leo.

Virgo (August 23 – September 23)

Little changes will make big differences for you.   Even though you don’t need to do it to succeed, you decide to do your homework.   All of a sudden, it all makes sense!   You understand the deeper cosmological context of the knowledge, although you know that this feeling is fleeting and ephemeral.     You know the ultimate truth, we are like dust in the wind.

It is also a good time to make up an excuse for your extended absences to your instructor.   Be creative, they probably will forget something too pedestrian.

Libra (September 24-October 23)

Your natural leadership skills come to the fore this term.   It isn’t as though you asked for greatness, it seems to be thrust upon you.   So take it easy!  You are sure that you can get someone to do the work for you if necessary.  If the work didn’t get done, you can just as easily apportion blame.   Negotiate with your teachers, but be careful in case your instructor may also be a Libra.

Now is also a great time to work on your wider academic plan.   See if you can foster the image of a mastermind, and consider running for student government.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)

The winds of change are blowing.  You can feel them blowing you into a new academic direction soon.    If you were studying the arts, consider a change to the sciences.    Premed and engineering students may wish to pursue business.    Business students, you may find that art and history is calling your name.    Get inspired by something.

If you are daring, you could consider taking on a second major.   Or a third.   Student loans couldn’t really be that bad, could they?

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)

You may have found yourself in a slightly difficult situation, but you can overcome these setbacks.   It may be that you missed a few classes, and that put you in a slightly difficult situation.   You also may have accidentally slept through a test.   Be your smartest, most charming self, and go ask for some help to get through your term.

Seducing your instructor may seem like a good idea at the time, but be prepared to be laughed at.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

How do I put this delicately Capricorn?   Uranus is in a sling, so watch where you point your moon.    You are going to feel cursed, but this isn’t really what the problem is.   The problem is you.   Now is the time to set aside your ego, and ask yourself who is actually calling the shots.

The difficulty here isn’t that the world is out to get you, it is just that the world doesn’t care about you.   Stop whining, and get to work.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)

 Years from now you are going to look back and realize that the most important events of your life happen this term.   You won’t notice them just yet, but make a note:   Thursday at 3:20 pm.   I’m not going to tell you which Thursday.

You may want to check and see if you have a valid passport, and know where your car keys are.   Buckle up and don’t speed, and for your sanity’s sake don’t look in the trunk.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

You know how to get out and party.     And by party, I mean you didn’t go over your notes in three different colors, and you only do 2 revisions of your latest paper.   You may get upset by missing a question on your final, leaving you with a 95% on the test, but this will be offset by Mercury in retrograde and the fact that you have turned in every single extra credit assignment.

Your quests for the week are to do 2 of the following:    read something fiction written within the last 20 years,  get laid (be safe), play Frisbee, learn how to say “ain’t”,  or talk to a stranger.

Coming soon:   teacher horoscopes!