Horoscopes for Spring Quarter (2016)

Spring break is winding to a close, and you know what that means!    Another fun filled quarter is just around the corner.   The time has come to put on the sunglasses, show up to class (hopefully not to hung over from the break… I’m not just speaking to the students), and start the process of learning anew.

For now:   here are your horoscopes for the next 12 weeks.

Aries (March 21 – April 20) 

I know you like to live in the moment, Aries.   You are someone who lives for now, which is nice… but the skeletons in your closet are starting to collaborate with each other, so it looks like it is time for some Spring cleaning.     Look at the promises you make, versus the promises you keep.     Do you think that maybe “Living in the now” may just be a way of avoiding those pesky obligations?

This term, keep up with your homework or suffer.

Taurus  (April 21 – May 21)

Springtime is the right time.   Love?  Check.  School goals?  Check.   Family?  Check.   Time to wait?   Nope.

Opportunities that come your way now may not come back, so keep alert.   Also, “perfect” opportunities are an evil lie sold by Wall Street… so take the risk (and the work) that goes with the reward.

Also,  a Libra is hatching a plot against you.   It’s kind of flattering, really.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

You know that feeling that you’ve missed something?   You are going to have that.   So check to see if there was another class on your schedule that you didn’t attend, or that you are ready for your exams, or that you are wearing pants.

Don’t look into the browser history of any Aquariuses.   There are some things you just can’t unsee.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Cancer, I appreciate that you are taking the time to read this, but you just don’t have the time.

Run.   Run like your life depends on it.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

“Love without pain is like food without flavor” is something that you may or may not agree with, Leo.  But I can tell you this, you will need some variety in your life.  You are passionate about what you love, just keep doing a couple different things for contrast!    It is helpful to embrace some changes to keep things fresh for you.   This keeps those passions as a slow burn, instead of just a flash in the pan.

A Virgo is going to pelt you mercilessly with mixed metaphors.   Be ready.

Virgo (August 23 – September 23)

I know that Virgos are notorious for planning things to death.    There are two things to keep in mind with this:   you can plan things to death (thus sucking any spontaneity out of your life), and you can still be blindsided by events.

There aren’t enough contingencies in the world to account for your life this Spring.   Buckle up, buttercup, because this is going to be fun.   If you let it.

Avoid Aries holding syringes asking you to trust them.

Libra (September 24-October 23)

You know the saying that “God never gives you more than you can handle?”   As a working hypothesis, it is disproven by the number of suicides every day.   So here is the thing to consider:  you don’t have to handle things alone.   Also, it is fine to acknowledge that you aren’t good at everything, Libra.   I know that isn’t easy to admit, but it could save your life.

Seek out a Capricorn for some advice.   And some really, really good sex.   Seriously.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)

Your life this term is going to feel like you’re living in a fairy tale.   Not the Disney fairy tale.   There are going to be ideas that will abduct your consciousness, and run you through a thousand years of life… and you will discover that only a week has passed.   Your transformations will be profound, but only in how you perceive the world.

Also, avoid fairies.   They’ll eat you and wear your skin for boots.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)

I know you had planned on taking it easier this quarter, Sagittarius, but the world has other ideas for you.   While your workload is going to be doable,  a lot of your education is going to happen outside of school.   You are going to learn some valuable lessons, if not always comfortable ones.

Also, don’t hide bodies in your trunk.   The police will look there.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Does life feel like a tango to you Capricorn?   Intense, then twisting away from you at the last moment?    It isn’t always about the forward progression, so don’t concern yourself with the number of steps forward and the steps back you have taken.   The joy is in the chase, the tension of push and pull, and in the passion of the moment.    Don’t worry about the grades, just shut up and dance.

Also,  a Virgo will probably make an astonishing offer to you.   Do you dare?

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)

You are done.   I know that you feel like you have more to do, but the rest is just busy work.

Play is where you are going to shine.   Have fun, expand your horizons, and whatever you do don’t get caught.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

I know you consider yourself fairly worldly.   On the other hand, you haven’t had a quarter like this one.

So, if you find that you suddenly dreaming that you have been abducted by aliens, they were all cats, and they chased you because they thought you were a spider… don’t discount it as just a dream.   This quarter you may so much time in the realm of the bizarre that you may want to get a reality boost from some grounded friends.

Also,  avoid a Taurus with an axe.

 

Enjoy your quarter.  Stay sane-ish.

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