Another school term is about to start, so it is time for school horoscopes! Here are your predictions for the upcoming term… I’m including both students and teachers in one single, consolidated, and improved horoscope!
And for those who tell me that there are 13 signs now: Thbpbphphhphphpth!
Aries (March 21 – April 20)
As cool as you are, they are onto you. Everyone knows that you’ve been faking it. Doubling down isn’t likely to get you far, so you’ll need to get your act together before you decide to present your case. Yes, you are going to need to work like crazy.
You will meet a smiling Scorpio this term. You could run, but it will be more interesting if they catch you.
Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
There are a few things for you to consider in your life this quarter, Taurus. Little changes can make big differences. So do wrecking balls. You should probably decide which tool you want to use this term, but you should be deliberate in your choices. Stasis is not an option.
Money is important, but it is also important to not be mauled by bears.
Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
You know, there isn’t really anything for you to do except to sit back an enjoy the ride. Take pleasure in your classes, you are going to have a few characters who will try to brighten up your term. They will do this whether you like it or not. Heavy drinking may seem like a good plan, but the hangovers will seriously be a problem if you try.
Avoid an angry Virgo wielding an axe.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
You will be plagued by the feeling that you have forgotten something important this term. Like a class, paying your internet bill, or wearing pants to class. I won’t say you’re wrong… but it may be a good idea to keep checking. If you have a roommate, it is okay for you to investigate the mysterious smell coming from the fridge but it is not okay to investigate mysterious thumping sounds in their car trunk.
Consider getting a new roommate.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
I know it may feel like your life is exploding this term. Your life is actually going quite well all things considered. There are far more compromising positions that you could be in… so don’t get caught moving the bodies. I’m not saying don’t move them, I’m saying: DON’T. GET. CAUGHT.
Consider making a new friend. Gemini’s are good. Or if you would prefer an enemy, an Aquarius will be a solid choice.
Virgo (August 23 – September 23)
This will be a good term for you Virgo. Your classes will go fairly well, but the real magic takes place outside of classes. If you thought that things have been going well before this, buckle up. Things are going to get fantastic. Don’t go crazy, because this high will eventually plateau. How much work you put in will determine whether the “plateau” can become your new baseline.
If you see a madman in a blue box, run.
Libra (September 24-October 23)
It’s party time! Work is good, but painting the town red is VERY good. Some adventures come along once in a lifetime, so go out and take some chances. Also, the morning after you should be prepared to deal with the consequences. Use protection.
Avoid drinking with other Librae, as they will only harsh your mellow.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)
How do I say this? Watch the Muppets. Carefully. It won’t be obvious, but it will become very important to you quickly. Hide your new obsession from others, they won’t understand. While I know you want the wisdom that Kermit offers, I think that Animal or Gonzo may be your true spirit animal.
If you want to beat things, hang out with chickens, or eat bacon will be very telling in your internal debate.
Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)
You are going to be a person of good deeds, intentionally or not this term. You can’t hide from it, so help someone out. You won’t get the appreciation that you are looking for, but you shouldn’t really be doing it for those sorts of rewards. Also, consider seducing someone. Keep considering. Now consider something edgy for you. Put those things together, and you may get either very thoroughly laid, or very thoroughly slapped.
The danger of running with scissors is real, but very overstated. Use your own judgement.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You are a person of science. While other people are stuck with their head up their Chakra you should be out looking at evidence and making plans based off of logic and reason. So do your research, break out your slide rule and get cracking.
Arson may seem like a good idea, but it is really hard to disguise that smoke smell from investigators.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)
Do you think you are prepared? It may seem like it now, but this term is going to be a lesson in humility for you. The world isn’t going to fall into neat and easy events for you to categorize and deal with… you are going to have things happening that will take innovation, street smarts, and sweat. Now is a good time to stock up on duct tape and KY.
Clear your browser history if you live with a Taurus. Or share your links with an Aries.
Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
This term is going to feel upside down and backwards for you, Pisces. You are going to start out feeling like you know things, but have very little energy to deal with things. As the term wears on, you are going to find that you become less and less certain about your answers, but you are going to get more and more energized. This is EXACTLY what you needed.
Something random is going to happen to you involving a duck. Don’t be ashamed, hold your head up high.