Student Horoscopes, Winter 2015

Winter is coming!   Winter term that is.

So pick up your #2 pencils and a fresh case of RedBull, because it is going to be a fun one.

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

I know you had some ideas about what you would be learning this term, Aries.   As much as you may have grown already, this term is going to be about getting what you need rather than what you want.

I know that you may want to complain about that this term.   Okay.   You are welcome to do so.   But whining won’t actually help you.   You are going to need to choose to learn.   So suck it up, and do the work.

Taurus  (April 21 – May 21)

So there is good news and bad news:   the good news, this term you have a chance to learn some amazing lessons.   You can get not just basic skills, you can get the insights on how to use them.   The bad news:   this won’t come cheap or easy.   You are going to pay in both money and time.

Once in a lifetime opportunities come only once. Don’t miss out.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

It is said that there comes a point where you stop trying to be who you want to be, and start being who you are.   This is only partially true:   you should still try to be who you want to be, because it is part of who you are.   Your aspirations are part of you, and they give you the chance to be more than what you are now.   So shake up your routine, and be the better version of yourself.

Also:   you should avoid getting recruited into a cult by a Pisces or Aquarius.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

You are going to learn some really important lessons this upcoming term.   Your relationship will be intense, consuming, and possibly fueled by cheap booze.     While learning your Kama Sutra is fun, the real lesson comes when things start to go wrong.   You can learn humility the easy way by listening, or the hard way by pain.

The problem is your ego.   This isn’t about you.   Tough shit..

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Your moon is in Virgo, and Saturn will be hanging out in Gemini. So whenever Mercury goes retrograde, drop everything and buy lottery tickets.   This will be an investment in your future, because the more you buy and the more you tell people about it, the more likely you will be picked up by the gentlemen in the nice white coats and taken to an institution with padded rooms.     They have Jello and Oxycontin.

 Avoid being shanked by Scorpios.

Virgo (August 23 – September 23)

Here are a few things you should consider:   most murders are committed by people known to the victim.   “Stranger Danger” is almost fiction (less than 5% of abductions), as most child abductions and abuse are done by someone known to the child. People get bitten more often by their own pets than by strange animals.

This is a good analogy for your term: don’t be afraid of the unusual, but take care of the familiar topics.   “Easy classes” have some pitfalls that you may have overlooked.

Libra (September 24-October 23)

I know you have every intention to focus entirely on your classes this term.   I will say this is a good plan as far as it goes, except that the rest of your life won’t be quiet.   You have family and friends, relationships and obligations, work and money issues.     Your life can’t be compartmentalized easily, so plan some time to take care of yourself too.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)

The fact is that your stars and planets don’t really impact your life.   Your text books have a greater gravitational pull on you than they do.   The choices that you make are what truly impact the events of your life and your future.   It isn’t comforting, but know that the circumstances beyond your control are neither benign nor malicious, the world simply doesn’t care.

 So keep working, and don’t drink the metaphorical Kool-Aid.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)

You know the old story about the caterpillar that is asked how it is able to coordinate all of it’s legs when it walks, and then loses its ability to walk from over-analysis.     You may feel like this happens to you… but you are considerably smarter than a caterpillar. It won’t necessarily be comfortable, but a little self-reflection may be helpful to you.

 Also, see if you can figure out how other people apply similar skills to yours.   They may not do it better, but having alternatives can be helpful.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

There are times for you to shine, and those times will be when you are awake.   I’m not just referring to when you aren’t in bed, I’m talking about the times when you aren’t acting purely out of habit.   Try not to multi-task, you will only lose track of what is really important.

 Also:   Keep your head and arms inside the vehicle at all times.   It’s all fun and games until someone gets decapitated.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)

 It is true that too much of a good thing isn’t good for you.   Ask anyone who has gotten vitamin A poisoning (scary, they turn orange… too much and you can die).   Interestingly, the same goes for too little of a bad thing.   Take some risks, earn a few scars and learn a few life lessons.

 Avoiding danger simply for the sake of avoiding danger isn’t wisdom, it’s cowardice.   Learning from mistakes is wisdom.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

I know you value honesty in your life, but I will say that a little creative editing of events can make all of the difference for you this term. If you are truly honest with yourself, then you’ll recognize how much you edit events for your own narrative anyway.   Embrace it.

As much as you want to be liked, holding out for universal approval seems both unlikely and quite frankly boring.   Creative excuses aside, be prepared to take the consequences if your white lies are found out.

So remember, use your powers however the hell you want.   They are your powers.

As for classes:   bring them on.

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