The holidays are upon us! It behooves us to remember when we are surrounded by the festivities, the shopping, the eating, and catching up post-final sleep there is a new term just around the corner. There are a few blissful weeks in which we can plan for the new term.
So teachers: here are your horoscopes for the next term
Aries (March 21 – April 20)
This upcoming term is going to be educational for both your students and you. There are astrological warnings about Mercury and Saturn in your sign. Which I think means that you should watch out for American cars backing over you in the school parking lot.
At some point your class will be disrupted by a group of students addicted to MMOGs. So a pretty typical class, really.
Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
You are an excellent listener. Which is good, because you can hear some of the most amazing rumors this term if you keep your ears open. Students tend to be undisciplined about their speech, which will be good for a laugh later on. Try not to gossip, but instead consider blackmailing others for fun and profit.
Watch out for falling rocks.
Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
You may have a love/hate relationship with your students this term. You will see the best and the worst. There won’t really be much middle ground: you will have students who do everything you ask, and all of the additional work. They will ask intelligent questions, and work hard. Then there are the other ones: when they show up, it will be hard to keep from grinding your teeth.
The good news is that you can level the playing field by assigning some of the good students to work with the bad ones. You’ll hear about it, but it will keep you sane.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
This is going to be a good term to go back to the basics. Students will supply their own imagination later. Reenforcing the fundamentals now will pay off later when your students actually pass. It isn’t pretty, it isn’t exciting, but you can prevent disasters from happening later.
Also, you should stay away from Virgos and Aries with Ebola.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
I know that you are generally busy, Leo, but this term will be crazy. A lot of good things happen from all of your hard work, and at the very end, you will get a full nights sleep. By the time you get there, you may just be a bundle of nerves. Just remember, you do get some time out for yourself to eat and sleep. You can do it, just don’t forget your anniversary.
Stay strong, Leo. For some reason I see your moon in Taurus. I think that means to rely on Red Bull.
Virgo (August 23 – September 23)
Burn, baby, burn. School will take a backseat to love for you this term. Not to say that you will give short measure to your students, but I will say that your students may enjoy better scores if you find yourself grading post-coitus. This is a side we don’t get to see very often, Virgo. Run with it.
Don’t get so distracted that you lose track of the important things. Like paying your mortgage. Or pants.
Libra (September 24-October 23)
The stars have aligned for you Libra! Which is to say, that entirely random events light years from your current location are sprinkling light on your head. What does this mean for you? Absolutely nothing. The gravitational pull of your car has a greater impact on your life than does your stars.
Hard work and dedication mean so much more than the layout of your stars. So teach it like you mean it.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)
Due to lack of interest this term, Scorpio, your horoscope has been cancelled. I think you can do better without it, anyway. It only goes wrong when you try to do what other people tell you to do.
Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)
You have worked long and hard to make some of your assignments foolproof. There is good news and bad news. The good news is that you get a chance to improve upon your already impressive work. The bad news, they invented a better fool.
This is a good metaphor for your term. So remember, it isn’t just a place for your students to learn and grow, it is for you too.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
This next term will feel a lot like the last term, Libra. This is because you end up with the same students going through your classes a second time. There are some opportunities here: you can help them get the skills they missed the first time. Just keep their mediocrity from passing onto others.
Administrators will also be annoying. So, it will feel a lot like last term.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)
Thank you for playing nice, Aquarius. We know that you don’t really believe in horoscopes, so this was quite a nice gesture to read this. Instead of vague predictions of doom or glory, how about I offer you a piece of good teaching advice instead: take care of yourself. Nobody else has your interests at heart as much as you do.
Also: never cook bacon naked.
Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
The funny thing about going down a rabbit-hole of crazy is that you don’t realize that you are doing it. One step leads seamlessly and logically to another, which leads to another. Everything seems logical when you are in the middle of it. Before long, you find yourself doing things you never would have believed possible. In retrospect, it looks crazy.
So while there is a great deal to be said for going with the flow, there is something to be said for sticking up for some structure.
Also: avoid angry Leo’s armed with axes.
So, teachers, those were your carefully crafted horoscopes.
Next up: student horoscopes.