There is something funny about a “Summer Break”. Often times, I find myself just as solidly booked as during the school term as I try to catch up with friends and family. And there is also the added fun of unpaid overtime as we get to prep our courses for the next quarter. In any case, we’re back.
Now, for a completely random segment let us have your teaching horoscope!
Aries (March 21 – April 20)
You are plagued by a feeling that you are missing something, like you were supposed to be in class for the entire term, but somehow you didn’t put it on your schedule. I’m not saying that feeling is true or not, but I think you will want to check. Check again, you may have missed something.
After that, check to see if you are wearing pants.
Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
A student is going to approach you in absolute despair about their grade. They will be young, cute and they think that because of this they deserve a better grade. While this desperate flirting may help boost your ego in the short-term, you will be racked with guilt later. Instead it is better to look deep into their eyes and ask, “you’ll do anything to get a better grade?” When they agree, tell them to study more. Laughing hysterically is optional, but also fun.
Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
I know you’ve heard a lot of creative excuses, but brace yourself for a wave of really bizarre reasons for not attending. You can expect stories of alien abduction, burrowing botfly larvae, or stalking by a murderous ex.
Interestingly enough, one of these stories will be true.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Well I’ve got good news and bad news, Cancer. The good news is that you classes are going to go fairly smoothly. Your student drama will be on the low side, and the administrative drama seems to be subsiding from the last few quarters. The downside is that the rest of your life may decide to melt down. Family matters will leave you squirming uncomfortably, and you may want to check and see if your supplemental insurance premiums are paid up.
Leo (July 23- August 22)
This is a good time to plan, not for action. So procrastinate a bit, and start fleshing out your plans for world domination. Or at least plan on taking over the school. Figure out your game plan to bribe or blackmail the board of regents, simultaneous with a takeover of the teacher’s union. Then repeat at the state, federal, and global levels. Now is also a good time for romance. Consider dating a Virgo: they have a lot of passion pent-up, so it will be a little like seducing a suitcase bomb.
Virgo (August 23 – September 23)
You will start out the term filled with a sense of invincibility, which will be crushed mid-term by banal stupidity. You have several different sources of solace. The easiest route is simply breaking down publicly, so consider bursting into tears at random intervals. Locking yourself in the bathroom will also garner you some extra attention.
If this strikes you as too passive, then set out a plan for vengeance instead. Hostages may be necessary.
Libra (September 24-October 23)
Due to a lack of interest, Libra’s horoscopes have been cancelled. You may want to consider moving your birthday to sometime more interesting.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)
We should have warned you earlier, Scorpio, that this was coming. During a series of endless meetings you will snap. After having lost your grasp of reality, your own personal demons will take control of your consciousness. On the other hand, you can play this fairly close to the chest and no one will know the difference.
Now is the time to foster a new secret identity.
Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)
The volume of events may get turned up to eleven during the next term, so now would be an excellent time to start writing a memoir. Or you may want to contact Jerry Springer to try and score some extra cash off of the crazy quarter you have coming to you.
Heavy drinking may seem like a good option, but in the long run it will be more fun to get a substitute for a few days and take an impromptu vacation.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
I love it when a plan comes together.
Your life during the next quarter will be a swarm of odd coincidences that all seem to work in your favor. Scheduling conflicts work themselves out without effort, troublesome students decide to transfer to another class, and HR may discover that they “accidentally” forgot to pay you for something earlier last year. I do want you to remember two important things: (1) happy stress is still stress, (2) don’t question good luck.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)
This will prove to be an interesting quarter for you. After an academic rejection, you may decide to seek refuge in sex work. While it may seem like a desperate move at the beginning, it actually will feel very fulfilling after a short time. Stock up on lube and condoms.
Craigslist will make you devalue your new career choices, and you may want to come back to teaching.
Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
There will be opportunities available to you sometime soon, Pisces. Most likely a friend or colleague will burst into tears randomly. First, you can step in and help. And now that they have proven themselves vulnerable it is also a perfect time to exploit them for your own needs and desires, you sick pervert.
And they will be appreciative.
If you are an evil teacher, have you considered blogging? I am looking for a few dark hearted educators to join the evil league. Post in the comment section, and I will be in touch!