Student Horoscopes

Alphone Mucha - Zodiac 1896

Ah, Spring term is over and Summer is in the air… responsibilities seem so far away.   Now that those pesky final exams are out of the way.

Now, for a completely random segment let us have your student horoscope for next term.

Aries (March 21 – April 20) 

You are plagued by a feeling that you are missing something, like you were supposed to be in class for the entire term, but somehow you didn’t put it on your schedule.      I’m not saying that feeling is true or not, but I think you will want to check.     Check again, you may have missed something.

After that, you should read your syllabi to determine whether you missed a paper or a test.    Also check to see if you are wearing pants.

Taurus  (April 21 – May 21)

Crunch time is your time to shine.   You will find yourself reworking a project from start to finish after finding a minor error after finishing the FIRST time.   This means that you neglect your other classes for a few days, and the effect snowballs.    After working 90 hours per week for a few weeks in a row, you may start to consider a career as an exotic dancer.   Before you switch please remember that thongs can itch, especially if they are full of dollar bills.

Therefore, your mantra is:   done is better than perfect.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

You should help out a friend in need.   This help can come in many different forms.   It may be that they are in deep need of a homework intervention, so bring tequila and a study guide.   Or it may turn out that they are in desperate need for a rebound hookup, so bring condoms (avoid tequila, because that would be rape).   Or you may need to cheer up an instructor who is buried under a three foot tall stack of grading, in which case bring two bottles of tequila and an extra red pen.

For you, the worst thing about finals will be the hangover(s).

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

After pulling several all-night study sessions this week, you are feeling out of touch with reality.   You will have a very important conversation regarding your academics, but later on in your imagination you will replace the people of this with tropical fish.   Afterwards, you will dream of turning your papers in to your instructor, who is now a giant squid.

Once you are caught up on sleep, you will find that you can only recall your course material while humming “Aqua” songs.    There is no logical explanation for this.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Lets say that you are on a long vacation.   You have a plan for where you are going, and some ideas about what you would like to do.   When you get there, you make a random connection with someone which was entirely unexpected.  Nothing was according to plan, but it was perfect anyway.   You fall in love, then have your heart broken a week later when you have to leave.   Years later, you still pine for that lost person, even after you have a caring and stable relationship with another person.

This is a perfect analogy for school this term, Leo.

Virgo (August 23 – September 23)

Little changes will make big differences for you.   Even though you don’t need to do it to succeed, you decide to do your homework.   All of a sudden, it all makes sense!   You understand the deeper cosmological context of the knowledge, although you know that this feeling is fleeting and ephemeral.     You know the ultimate truth, we are like dust in the wind.

It is also a good time to make up an excuse for your extended absences to your instructor.   Be creative, they probably will forget something too pedestrian.

Libra (September 24-October 23)

Your natural leadership skills come to the fore this term.   It isn’t as though you asked for greatness, it seems to be thrust upon you.   So take it easy!  You are sure that you can get someone to do the work for you if necessary.  If the work didn’t get done, you can just as easily apportion blame.   Negotiate with your teachers, but be careful in case your instructor may also be a Libra.

Now is also a great time to work on your wider academic plan.   See if you can foster the image of a mastermind, and consider running for student government.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)

The winds of change are blowing.  You can feel them blowing you into a new academic direction soon.    If you were studying the arts, consider a change to the sciences.    Premed and engineering students may wish to pursue business.    Business students, you may find that art and history is calling your name.    Get inspired by something.

If you are daring, you could consider taking on a second major.   Or a third.   Student loans couldn’t really be that bad, could they?

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)

You may have found yourself in a slightly difficult situation, but you can overcome these setbacks.   It may be that you missed a few classes, and that put you in a slightly difficult situation.   You also may have accidentally slept through a test.   Be your smartest, most charming self, and go ask for some help to get through your term.

Seducing your instructor may seem like a good idea at the time, but be prepared to be laughed at.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

How do I put this delicately Capricorn?   Uranus is in a sling, so watch where you point your moon.    You are going to feel cursed, but this isn’t really what the problem is.   The problem is you.   Now is the time to set aside your ego, and ask yourself who is actually calling the shots.

The difficulty here isn’t that the world is out to get you, it is just that the world doesn’t care about you.   Stop whining, and get to work.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)

 Years from now you are going to look back and realize that the most important events of your life happen this term.   You won’t notice them just yet, but make a note:   Thursday at 3:20 pm.   I’m not going to tell you which Thursday.

You may want to check and see if you have a valid passport, and know where your car keys are.   Buckle up and don’t speed, and for your sanity’s sake don’t look in the trunk.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

You know how to get out and party.     And by party, I mean you didn’t go over your notes in three different colors, and you only do 2 revisions of your latest paper.   You may get upset by missing a question on your final, leaving you with a 95% on the test, but this will be offset by Mercury in retrograde and the fact that you have turned in every single extra credit assignment.

Your quests for the week are to do 2 of the following:    read something fiction written within the last 20 years,  get laid (be safe), play Frisbee, learn how to say “ain’t”,  or talk to a stranger.

Coming soon:   teacher horoscopes!

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