Important Faculty Connections

It is late in the quarter, and minds are turning towards late-term misanthropy.   In a recent conversation I was having here on campus, I remarked how I really needed to talk to a geology professor.   You see, geology professors know the best holes that you could hide a body in.   Preferably a body which doesn’t know the meaning of homework.

After a little while, we came up with a list of the people on campus who potentially could help you to carry out a murder.   Or maybe a maiming if perhaps a maiming would be more educational.

  • Geology Professor  – Knows the best cave systems, and/or abandoned mines to dump a body
  • Geography Professor – Similar to the geology professor, with the added benefit of knowing both obscure roads as well as jurisdictional boundaries.
  • Engineering Instructors – put together an elegant deathtrap, rather than something just cobbled together.
  • Psychology Professors – Figure out how to put your prey at ease by learning peoples psychological profiles.
  • Statistics Professor – Can calculate risk/probability of various schemes to kill those won’t show up/do their homework.   They also can help you plan “accidental” deaths.   Or maimings.
  • Chemistry Professor– Knows effective methods of both poisoning and dissolving a body.
  • Biology Professors – Know the effective ways to poisoning and dismembering a body.   Bonus points if they happen to specialize in virology and can access live rabies virus!
  • Agriculture Instructors – Access to both threshers and pig farms.  (Not after the virology teacher, obviously)
  • English Instructors – Use the right rhetoric to dissuade pursuit, as well as persuading your target(s) to get into a panel van, and/or writing convincing emails from a student address suggesting they traveled to Jamaica.
  • Legal/Law Professors – It is a good idea to know your rights about searching a vehicle BEFORE you transport a body.   Or parts of a body.
  • Math Professors – We can calculate the precise amount of plastic sheeting, duct-tape, and weight of a body both pre and post exsanguination.
  • Gym Teachers – Get in great shape to beat to death those inconsiderate students.  It also helps to run them down if they haven’t been into class for a while.

Note:   I don’t actually endorse killing or maiming of students.   I especially don’t endorse forcing them to dig their own graves “as learning exercise” deep in the woods.    Nor would I point out that a student who doesn’t show up for class isn’t likely to be missed for some time after they “disappear”.

I will not kill my students and wear their skin.

I will not kill my students and wear their skin.

I will not kill my students and wear their skin…

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