There are times during the quarter where I must control my snark monster. Being impatient in a class is counterproductive… and while many of the meetings, and surveys, and seminars that teachers are invited to are informative, they invariably take a great deal of time. So I’m going to take a few moments to indulge in some harmless teaching misanthropy (Actually, I think Miss Anthropy would be a fantastic name for a Dominatrix). Please note that no students were harmed in the making of this post.
Evil teaching fantasies…
- I would love to burst into maniacal laughter and pointing the next time a student promised that they would get their homework done. Anytime I hear this, I hear “I haven’t done my homework yet, but I’VE THOUGHT ABOUT DOING IT!” Muahahaha! I haven’t flunked you yet, but I’ve thought about doing it!
- Then there are some old standbys – like locking the classroom door so latecomers have to stand outside. On test days. Now THAT would be educational.
- Hmm… perhaps a birdcage and a flogging bench in class might be a nice addition. I’m sure I can find a riding crop somewhere. Pain is motivational, right?
- Or create some jigsaw-esque torture machines that involve solving complex algebraic equations… in their heads.
- … I will not kill my students and wear their skin. I will not kill my students and wear their skin. I will not kill my students and wear their skin…
Ah well, I still get a little endorphin rush every time I break out a new red pen. The stories that I actually am using student blood for grading have been grossly blown out of proportion.
(I still can’t decide if saying “just kidding” would sound disingenuous or sincere.)